And the world took its toll so you took yourself out of it

a homegoing we call it

but are you going home when

it wasn’t your life to begin to with.

It is written.

there are no mistakes.

Right.

I’m frustrated by my own guilt

as if this had anything to do with me

the selfishness of it all makes my heart race

and what about all the Oh My God’s

the chaos the questions

the mad scramble to get the answers

I can’t see

through the haze that took the light out of your fathers eyes

and what about him you left behind

you left behind the overwhelming urge

to reach back

and hug everyone I thought I loved

and laughed with

broke bread with

drank and drugged with

you left behind a panicky want

to reconnect with

every distant memory every blurry night

I want it back.

All I see is burnt orange curls and that wide eyed smile

I hear the rasp and rhythm

Now that you’re gone I remember you now.

Every adventure every open mic

The big apartment on Main St above Frank’s Pizza

You always ordered the jalapeno poppers

The infamous truth or dare night

And the tiny one on Atlantic Ave that was so close to the street

When you walked out the front door

You were damn near in the turning lane

We joked about that

Yes. I remember you now.

Before you became too much.

Before you were past tense gossip.

Before your name was prefaced with

has anyone heard from

what’s up with

where is

whatever happened to

I remember you now.

Before the rabbit hole.

I miss you now.

And I’m so ashamed.

because I didn’t miss you before.